Acting is for suckers

Or so it seems. Sorry, folks.

But here is the life of an average gig.

On, say, Tuesday, I hop on Ye Olde Craigslist, and I find an ad that says "ACTORS NEEDED". I click it and find a description that says, "Need 2 Actors/resses for a Short Film. I am a director. See? http://www.imdb.com/lookimreallyadirector ... Credit, Copy, and Meal. No Pay."

Compared to so many others, this one looks less sketchy, so I send an email to the anonymized email address that says "Dear Sir or Madam, Please consider me for a role in your Short Film. You can find my resume and headshot attached. If you follow this link: http://www.youtube.com/twowhitewines , you can find examples of my acting." I customize this form letter if they give me enough information to customize with.

7 out of 8 times, I hear nothing back. 1 out of 12 times, I hear from some scam who wants me to sign up for their service. 1 out of 48 times, I hear from someone calling me in for an audition, and 1 out of 48 times, I hear from someone telling me to just show up for the shoot. Let's pretend I got called for an audition.

If it's a good one, I might go to the Film Independent studios, smile and shake hands with the DP and Director, and slate, then perform a monologue to a camera.

If I just show up, I get an email that says: Come here at 9am and we'll be done by 1pm.

Last time I just showed up to a shoot, I rode Stina's too-small-for-me bike 4 miles to the location because Belmont peed on and rusted my chain. Once there, I was directed to the bagels and leftover pizza from the night before. After standing around for 30 minutes, I was given a contract which said "We get to do whatever we want with you. You don't get anything for it." I signed it. Then I waited around some more. Eventually, a costumer comes and gives me pants 2 sizes too small, and a shirt 3 sizes too big. Then I wait. Then I listen to someone talk. Then I wait. Then I wait somewhere else. Eventually I am handed a cigarette because I'm an army guy in WWII and everybody smoked. I smoke it. They take moving pictures of me smoking it while some guy plays a guitar and I look afraid, excited, bored, and moved all at the same time. Then we do that 80 more times and I smoke 10+ unfiltered cigarettes and sing in a hoarser and hoarser voice. Then it's 4pm, and they acknowledge that they've kept us longer than they promised, but can we stay for just one more scene - it'll only take 15, 20 minutes, tops. We agree, even though some of us know we have to be somewhere else. After we wait an hour, we film for another hour. They ask us then if we can just stay to record our voices. We are getting mutinous, but we stay... another hour. Then they ask... and I say no and leave. Others stay. They're probably getting famouser as we speak.

But I love acting.